The Lies of the Year!

As Indians, we were subjected to a lot of lies in 2009. From outrageous claims like kids using a certain soap attending school 40% more than those who didn't, to news channels claiming they had "exclusive" rights to national disaster stories, we had our share of craziness unleashed upon us. Not very different from other years, and no less deserving this time, but here is a list of lies so goddamn spectacular and large scale, they were not just presented as truth, they are still being gobbled up as such.

5. India is going to be a superpower!

Yeah right. 29th position in competitiveness, based on economic performance, government efficiency, business efficiency, and infrastructure. Before you start thinking this isn't so bad, consider we are according to the World Bank, at the 122nd place for "Ease of doing business". Even worse, we're slipping. Just in case you'd like to bury your head in supersand and ignore these facts as mere numbers, we have 41% of the world's poor people, our public health system is a joke, and corruption puts us at 88th place in the world. In other words, there are 87 countries that are less corrupt than us, (not that our ranking will suffer much if the order was reversed!). 42% of our children suffer malnutrition, and rape is our fastest growing crime. Most definitely, we need someone with superpowers to save us, but we're by no means going anywhere near becoming a superpower anytime soon! It's a great lie given the facts stacked against it, but for sheer staying power, 5th place on this list!

4. Hindi is India's "National Language".

No matter how much we fight this untruth, there are enough people to propagate it. The print media was a bit careful about it this year, but channels like CNN IBN actually sent out reporters with cameras and microphones on programmes like Y Not, to proactively promote this absolute lie, calling Hindi our "national language", when the simplest of editorial ethics could have nipped this in the bud. Some of our politicians went far enough to trumpet this lie on the floor of the Parliament, and nobody went to jail for this blatant contempt of the Constitution. Example: http://in.news.yahoo.com/139/20091109/816/tnl-i-am-proud-of-abu-azmi-for-taking-oa.html Even though you have to be really stupid to believe this one, a lot of people actually subscribe to it, particularly Hindi speakers, so how can we deny them 4th place?

3. People in our government are on an Austerity Drive!

Sure! Just look at how many cars follow a minister to the railway station, never mind the airport, and never mind how many millionaires our political system creates while they all work for the upliftment of the poor and downtrodden. Austerity my left foot toe, could we have a little more efficiency? This joke was so bad, it even wore itself out of mention in the media in less than a month. What a lie to unleash upon even the stupidest amongst us! And now, a New Year Gift for the nation - Parliament approves free air travel for any number of ministers' relatives - http://in.news.yahoo.com/48/20091222/814/tnl-parliament-nod-for-free-air-travel-t.html. The lie itself wasn't all that great, but for silliness, it gets some ridiculously valuable points to stand 3rd here.

2. We are here to show our support for the victims of this horrible terrorist attack!

No shit! What are you willing to do? Offer yourself to terrorists in exchange for some of the hostages? A lot of our monkeys aped people all over the world in propagating this wicked lie and repeating it, particularly after the Mumbai attacks. Some of our celebrities, even rascals who bought guns from the underworld and have gone on trial for terrorist and anti disruptive act crimes, promptly pulled sad faces on TV and parroted this lie. Sure you're showing solidarity with the victims of terror, you bastards. Light a candle or shed a tear if you want to feel good for yourself, but please spare us the lie about showing solidarity with people who're getting killed by terrorists. How sick to lie to dead people, instead of saying to their souls, truthfully, "Tough luck my friends, but thank God that wasn't me stuck there!". Do we have to insult them after we let them die? Enough already with the biggest bullshit of the last two decades, now firmly in fashion in India.

1. Barack Obama becomes the USA's first black president.

Hello? Barack Obama isn't black any more than he is white. His father is black, from Kenya, and his mother Caucasian. He is a person of mixed racial ancestry. The real question to ask is - if he was elected President of Kenya, would he have been considered Independent Kenya's first white president? There is a limit to spread a lie, but how could the media of the USA not take up such a great opportunity? Their whole viewpoint was more like a reaction to the thought - "Wonder when the next nigger would come along for us to celebrate and exorcise our demons of being called a racist country!" A man who looked a little black was good enough for them, and the Indian media was quick enough to endorse him as a full black man, like we give a shit about black people in the first place!

This lie is #1 for the sheer scale of nonsense and the amount of gloss and floss that comes into play each time it is unleashed and for the audacity with which the whole world has gobbled this black horse-shit!

Happy New Year!

The Unique Idiot Detection Authority - all ours now!

Chairman, UID Authority, Nandan Nilekani, of Infosys fame, has just
announced that we are entering "uncharted territory" in technology,
and that it is a "technological challenge" to get the Unique ID scheme
working. What the f*** is this idiot talking about? And why isn't he
getting fired?
He spat all this to that other idiot Karan Thapar on TV - that we are
technologically challenged and going into uncharted territory in
collecting biometric information of a billion people and putting them
all in an online database. Karan Thapar for his part had to ask the
stupid question, "Isn't this a case of India's ambition outstripping
its ability?". Well, duh! Has our ability every outstripped our
ambition? Has anybody's? Nilekani assured us that this has never
been done before, and I wonder why he would be given the job if it
had. Where do we get these freaks from?
The "Uncharted territory" claim is a complete lie. Biometric
information is not some three hundred years into the future technology
in development and testing. The USA has been collecting it during
the visa process from every human applying for entry into the USA for
a few years now and storing it online for verification at the port of
entry. Two birds with one stone - collecting information is not such
a big deal, and putting it online for access from all over the world
is also not a big deal. There is a proven working model here! Even putting a probe on the moon was not uncharted territory!
How the heck can this be a technological challenge either? The process involves a retina scan, and a fingerprint scan, usually of the index finger. The chance of two people having the same
information is virtually non existent, and so this is considered very safe for
identification purposes. Once these two scraps of information go
into a database as THE identification parameters for ONE specific
person, it is accessible just like accessing your e mail, from
anywhere in the world. You cannot have two people with the same
information, and when you present your retina and your fingerprint
anywhere in the world, all we need to do is see if it matches the
information on file. That's it!
So that leaves us with numbers. If this works for millions of people,
why can't it work for a billion? Absolutely no reason it cannot.
Once we figured out how to lay a tar road from point A to point B,
would we really be stumped by having to connect point C? Probably
not. Once we figured out how to put a few sacks of rice in a truck
and send it out on one of these roads, would it be a challenge to fill
up a second truck with sugarcane and send it out? Probably not.
Ten people or ten billion people, same process. There are enough and
more places to store digital information these days and this won't
even take a fraction of the space Google offers free to its free e
mail users. Clearly, numbers and resources, no issues.
So, what is this idiot Nilekani talking about? Does he want this
merely time consuming process to sound like this is some breakthrough
pioneering invention in the making? He is either drunk or stupid on
this one. He can certainly be fired on the latter. If the Chairman
of such an ambitious and potentially crucial government program is so
out of sorts with even the most fundamental, layman expressions to
describe it, is this the best guy we could get for the job?
If a bunch of identification candidates closed their eyes during the retina scan, that
might be an issue, but that's hardly technological like Nikelani would
have us believe. Oh yes, this may really be a bit of a challenge if
one whole tribe of Indians doesn't have index fingers but we can
always agree to use the middle finger in that case. That wouldn't be
uncharted territory either.