The Opening Ceremony Comedy Show!

Whoever asked for these bloody Commonwealth Games?

Why does our wonderful former president Mr. Abdul Kalam have to have his name twisted to Abdul Kalam Azad by a fumbling idiot called Kalmadi?  Why does that same idiot have to talk about a "Prince Diana" attending these games, when she is neither alive nor was ever a prince?  Was this idiot even awake while he was filling the microphone with his unprofessional filth?

Why do we have Doordarshan doing something it was never meant to do - covering something live that moves more than its mouth?

This idiot Kalmadi never mentioned athletes amongst the people he extended his "Namaskar" to.  For a guy who is reading from a piece of paper, the least he could do was make sure he doesn't swallow words like "Association".  He said, "Assoshun" a few times.  Clearly he isn't cut out for reading a speech, or mouthing one either.  He couldn't do much about falling bridges either.

If an airline pilot with the same level of incompetence performed the equivalent of these tasks in his job, the plane would nosedive, throw its doors open mid-air, choke most of its passengers, catch fire, turn upside down and mow into a hill in a fireball. 

Who are these clowns still running that embarrassment of a television channel called Doordarshan?  Couldn't they get anybody better than the idiots who were reading out names of countries from the screen, telling us of their populations, and when each country got its independence?  Isn't that in itself a reminder of the dark side of the whole "Commonwealth" idea?!  I wish they had shown the Brit royals each time we were told about each country's independence from them!  I wish we had the humour to be told how many years each country had been looted for by her royal bitching highness BEFORE they got independence.  Instead, we were told to notice how "happy!" Prince Charles was, when the Wales contingent showed up.  To me, the prick and his entourage looked the same when other contingents showed up too.

How much of a genius would it take to see "swimming" below the flag bearer's name and figure out that that person is a swimmer?  Do we really need to have someone telling us that person is an "athlete" when we can read "athletics" below his or her name?  Who else is going to show up at a sporting event?  A fortune teller?

"Here comes Kenya!  All the way from Africa!".  Seriously, where else the fuck would the Kenyan contingent come from?  Jupiter?  Who are these juveniles telling us which country's flag is what colour and informing us, just in case, of this marvel of a projection system that projects the same flag on the aerostat for the same country!  Hurrah!  We got that right!  What kind of fucking nonsense is this?  This is not Doordarshan in its year of inception either.  The CW Games may be a first, (and hopefully last) for India, but these idiots with the exclusive rights to telecast the CWG have been around for a long, long time.  Should they not know their job a little better?

We were also told that the magnificent drummers below were beating the crap out of their contraptions to keep the athletes happy.  No shit.  I would have thought they were frightening stray lions.  Even worse - we never got to hear those drums, because we were filled in with an incessant electronic drumbeat that ran right through the programme.  Horrible, unless we got Energizer to sponsor that shit.

Why the fuck do we still refer to Charles as His Royal Highness?  He may be to his own people, but not to US!  Isn't that the whole POINT of being an independent country?  None of the assholes in New Delhi seem to know yet.

And why is Charles talking about peace all over the world?  Didn't the Brits send their military monkeys including one of Charlie's sons, to participate in the greatest bomb shag of all time in modern history in Iraq?  Peace be damned if it is a Muslim country?  Bloody hypocrite son of a bitch.

Who writes these goddamn speeches?  "Over the next few days - thousands of athletes will take part in competition" - this came from Pratibha Patil, no less than the President of India.  "And my dictionary has thousands of words!".  DUH!

Everybody spoke of challenges and how they were overcome.  Anybody with a brain bigger than a pea will know that there were NO challenges, just incompetence.  If New Delhi was hit by an earthquake measuring 7.4 on the Richter scale, and Kalmadi had to dig himself out of a pile of rubble, drinking urine for 12 days, THAT would have been a challenge.  Incomplete building structures and falling bridges are not challenges - they are FAILURES! 

A bridge the army built in 6 days stands in place of what could have been built 6 years ago and collapsed.  This is not a challenge overcome.  This is a rescue act pulled off by professionals.

How have we finally made this event a mega showcase of our delusional powers?  How we can fool ourselves that this is some sort of success!  We are spending 70,000 crores and making 450 crores.  So, this cannot be about money.

If this is about pride, what pride do we need to salvage from Tuvalu, Solomon Islands, St. Vincent and The Grenadines, Lesotho, Malawi, Nauru and a whole host of insignificant countries?  Sure, we can showcase this to the other "significant" countries, as our grand spectacle, but seriously, who gives a shit about a country that has more people living below the poverty line than Sub Saharan Africa?

This is also touted as the first "Green" Commonwealth Games.  Hello?  It's getting its electricity entirely from fossil fuel burning National Thermal Power Corporation. (Who in their own words are "one of the world's cleanest fossil fuel power generator", not "generators".  Bad English be damned for now)  Who the fuck are we fooling here?  Why even utter painfully untruthful rubbish like this?  I mean, is the greatest opposition to these games coming from the environmental lobby?

Put all rubbish before our people, beat the drums, do the dance and say JAI HIND!  And all is well.  No fucking questions asked.

On and on our speeches poured out - ".....diverse and beautiful nation with heritage and culture.  I am sure you will all experience it."  NO!  What people will experience is what is available to them.  There won't be any diverse and beautiful nation with heritage and culture in the stadium or the village.  It will be all security, security, security.

The cultural part - we're fail proof - we have professionals there!  It's a good thing there is no quota for Bharatnatyam dancers and Kalari performers.  Duds are likely to kill themselves if unleashed in these arenas.  All good, nice to see.  It doesn't matter how many people understand what is being sung - at the very least we will sing it right.  But Oh, Lord!  Chaiya Chaiya???  It's a tribute to the common man?  Which common man dances on trains with sexy women?  If there was one, he would have been danced, not Shah Rukh Khan!

Did I just say we are fail proof with the cultural part?  So I am contradicting myself here?  Whoever said Bollywood was part of our culture?  It is a rowdy beast we have ready for all occasions.  For some reason, we showcased a cycle shop.  Okay.  Then we had politicians campaigning - all part of the Indian landscape one supposes.  Fine.  But all dancing to Chaiya Chaiya?  How the fuck is this a tribute to anything except mediocre unimaginative programming?  Mumbai Dabbawalas, with paint dabbas!  Fine!  The masala chai?  Okay.  How about showcasing some rapes, molestation in public, burning brides for dowry, illegal mining, and some shitting in the open too!?  Oh, we already showed that in the village!

For some reason, right on live television, Two girls fell down doing some acrobatic standing on men's shoulders.  Poor things.  I hope they got paid for the show they tried to put on.

The biggest of the uncultural, demented, gimmicky clown shows has to be A R Rahman.  And who are all those barbaric assholes dancing behind him all the time?  Who are those idiots he had behind him with saffron and green gloves and muscular bodies in white chiffon?  Bloody beefcakes on the entertainment industry unemployment list?  They looked like thugs to me, and do not represent anything but the most mindless things we put together in the name of entertainment.  They did not look one bit Indian to me, nor did the stupid song sound Indian.  Sure it sounded like Rahman, but was it in any way fit for the show?  Whatever happened to Balamurali Krishna and Ilayaraja?  They would have put on something magnificent and they would not bow to his royal freaking eyeness as well.  Does anybody in the Organizing Commitee even know the real geniuses we have?  Heck, Bappida would have belted out something fantastic.

As if the CW song wasn't bad enough, Rahman the copycat had to perform Jai Ho! What the fuck for?  The idiot has made this song his go to song.  If all else fails, he throws this on your face with that, "I got the Oscar for this.  What the fuck do you know?" attitude and regularity.  He got paid 5 crores for repeating his old shit?

India, thy middle name used to be mediocrity.  Now, thou art, from every part, oozing it. 

We're losing it.

BSK.

PS: In hindsight, there was plenty of comedy during the Opening Ceremony.  Even beyond all the agony, one had to be swayed by the sheer scale of cacophonic insult unleashed upon us.

The Ministry of External Fiascos.

http://beta.thehindu.com/news/national/article77168.ece

External Affairs Minister Mr. S.M. Krishna has expressed "shock" over
Indian students in Australia enrolling in courses like Hair Styling
and Facials.

>>>Talking to journalists here, he said: "One can understand students going there [Australia] at the university level, at the IIT level or at the level of some other institution of excellence. When I went there, I was shocked to see so many students in courses they don't need to go to Australia for — such as learning hair styling or doing facials.

"In India, such courses are available in Delhi, Bangalore, Mumbai and
Chennai. So parents should be more discriminating in choosing
educational institutions for their children to pursue higher studies,"
he advised shortly after a meeting with Australian High Commissioner
Peter Varghese.

"The courses to which our students have been going are certainly not
very encouraging. So I would suggest [to] the Indian parents to be
discreet. They better get informed themselves about the courses."

Analysts here said the Minister hit the nail on the head.<<<<

What nail, whose head? Did we send S. M. Krishna to Australia to find
out why our students are being beaten, stabbed and killed or to find
out what they're studying?

Who are these morons calling themselves "analysts" and what the hell
have they been analyzing?

The MEA seems to be suggesting that students studying Engineering in
an "institution of excellence" would be less of a target of racial
attacks. If that isn't absurd enough, why the heck at all is THIS
ministry making a value judgment on what courses are "encouraging"?
Krishna isn't the minister of education, he is the bloody Minister of
External Affairs. What business of his is it to make a comment on
WHAT our students in Australia study?

This is a judgemental, patronizing, conservative upper class Indian
advising his children on what to do with their lives! For heavens
sake, you slowpoke, it is YOUR job to be concerned about the safety of
our people abroad. It is NOT your job to tell them what to study,
what job to get, what car to buy, and how to spend the rest of their
lives. Mind your business, and stop being so patronizing.

Once the nation has issued a passport to an Indian citizen, that
person is free to travel anywhere in the world, and the government of
India should accord that person the respect of protection and
assistance through its missions abroad. Period. If there are
questions to be asked about motive for travel, that is the business of
the receiving country, and its missions in our country - namely, the
visa process. We should tolerate no official value judgement based on
why a person wants to travel to a certain part of the world, and most
definitely not on what one of our students wants to study abroad.

For those of us who don't quite understand where this really absurd
comment from Krishna really comes from, here is the low down. We have
massive class differences in our country. The intellectual upper
class is always going to stare down the less intellectual lower class.
There are no equals in any section of our society, and this is
something we have never come to grips with, particularly post
independence.

A whole section of our population wants to move up the value chain,
but not all of us can realistically aspire to be engineers, doctors or
lawyers, or any of the other professions that the intellectual upper
class has traditionally dominated in numbers. Now, we have an economy
that does indeed need personal trainers, hair stylists, chefs,
hospitality workers, aged care specialists, and thousands of other
professionals, but we are far from recognizing any of them as
"professionals", leave alone treating them as such. Regardless, these
people also need to be as qualified as possible in their professions,
and an education or work stint in a foreign country is always a huge
plus, no matter what part of the world you are in.

Socially, the picture is even more twisted, but still interesting.
Being an average Indian, without a snooty degree in engineering or
medicine, so to say, one is always more likely to be looked down upon,
if one is not very rich. For most of the others, the only way to
compete with the pseudo brainiacs, the only way to gain respect and
claim some lost ground is to get an education abroad, make some money,
maybe even live or settle down abroad, and live "respectably". See
how close so many of our youngsters think they are to this "glorious"
foreign job by working in call centres with stupid accents and
terrible growth prospects? Working for whitey, sounding like him,
getting paid lousy brownskin wages. We're totally ready for this, but
nobody sees that as being demeaning, since we're going to be a
superfreakingpower by being whitey's maidservant without once entering
his manor! A whole other discussion this would be, indeed.

Yes, this is the whole scenario of indentured labour revisiting us
from the 1830s, when we exported thousands of socially low class
people to British plantations around the world under the biggest con
pulled on our people by the East India Company, many of whose agents
were very much Indian but working for the British. But for many of
these indentured labourers, it was still a better choice to go to some
unknown land, than staying in India under oppressive landlords. The
indentured labourers reached their plantations to find that they were
just slaves replacing black slaves, just after slavery was officially
abolished from British colonies, and soon after landing on the shores
of countries like British Guyana, they realized their promise of a
"better" life was a mirage, but it was still a better choice for them
than to return to India to the shame and ridicule that waited for them
here. Imagine the fun we would have poked at them had they returned.
The only thing worse than being Indian is being an Indian who tried
something and failed.

What has changed today? The agents are Indian, working for Australian
institutions! We are here to export not just the IITians and the
doctors, but also the hair stylists and the nurses and the sports
therapists to be! Now, by suggesting that some of these lines of
study are not as "encouraging" as his esteemed upper class head has
decided, SM Krishna has thrown light on the class division mentality
to our people abroad as well. In fact, he has effectively disowned a
huge section of our students abroad. "Aiyaiyo, I thought I was coming
here to the rescue of our engineers and prestigious students. I
didn't know you were all studying to be Hair Stylists!". What a
message!

It is no secret that upper class Indians abroad aspire to lead lives
very much designed by the white man, and the lower class Indians
continue to hang on to their very "Indian" identity. Now, it is
official! Our own Minister of External Affairs has said, "I'm so
sorry, white people, these students are all pariahs of our society,
and they're definitely not very "encouraging" to us". How brilliant!
In one fell swoop, the Minister of External Affairs has pretty much
said everything the racists who hate Indians already wanted to hear,
playing into the stereotypes of stinky, dirty, low lives. We DISOWNED
our people. And if that is not treason on the part of the Minister of
External Affairs, what is?

Let's not hide behind the diplomatic cloud that Delhi pulls upon
itself at every bloody convenience. S. M. Krishna has absolutely
failed in his duty towards his country with this one blunder. But the
opposition will not be smart enough to sieze this opportunity, for
they are also part of this class warfare and they are, if anything,
even more strongly ready to cater to the upper class in mind and
wealth. NOBODY cares about the lower class of any kind in India.
Ergo, the lower class must run abroad for a better life. Period.

Here is the other side of the coin - what kind of a life do we
actually get to lead in India? Forget the money, forget the job. If
I go to Australia to learn how to be a Hair Stylist, I can also get to
see a lovely country, drive on some beautiful roads, enjoy an outing
or ten on a clean beach, jump into a river without worry of getting
poisoned, get a driver's licence without bribing anyone, buy a car,
enjoy a beer while watching cricket match, fall in love with someone
from a different country and culture, have an affair, and not be
stressed or judged for doing any of this. To a lot many of us, these
things are much more important than being safe right here in India
amidst this chaotic nonsense of everyday "Indian" life.

For far too long have we in India been denied the ability to trust the
simplest human every day experiences - some clean air, some peace and
quiet, reliable water and electricity supply, having some privacy, not
being persecuted for having an opinion, and being able to connect with
other human beings without stress, expectations, or suspicion. Let's
face the truth - India is a very stressful place to live in. Many of
us have adapted to these conditions, but let's not take away from the
most fundamental truth about life in India - it is a bloody compromise
in EVERY way possible. NOTHING in India is the best in the world, and
even the best in India costs too much for most of us to afford. As
soon as we solve one problem, which takes ages in itself, we have ten
others, usually exacerbated by dogma, cancerous stupidity and backed
by the power of a clueless majority.

Going to another country, particularly developed countries like the
USA, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, the UK, Germany or even Singapore
or HongKong, definitely has its benefits. The ordinary amongst us can
truly aspire to emigrate to any of these countries and live a life
fundamentally better than we can have in India. THAT Mr. Krishna, is
the reason many of us choose to leave, and that's the reason many of
us won't come back. For doing any of this, one doesn't have to have
an IIT degree.

Even if I work as an ordinary policeman in any self respecting
country, I can trust that my "bulletproof" jacket is indeed capable of
stopping a bullet. Not in India. If I call the police to report my
neighbour's loud behaviour, I wouldn't have to bribe the Inspector to
make the complaint official. Not in India. I can take a walk at 2
AM, just to experience the calm of a Chicago night, but get verbally
abused by ill behaved, impolite, outright abrasive beat policemen in
Bangalore for doing exactly that. India is always just one step away
from anarchy, and this factor alone is enough to discourage many from
staying here.

Shouldn't Mr. Krishna spend some time educating himself on the
realities that people face that enable them to make the choices they
make when they choose to leave India? What kind of an inefficient,
insulated, out of touch clown do you have to be to be "shocked" by
something as simple as finding Indian students studying to be Hair
Stylists in Australia? What's the big deal?

Talk about addressing parents, this guy is a bad joke. Are parents of
Indian kids so ignorant that they would send their children abroad
without even checking on the courses? They KNOW exactly what they are
trying to do - give their children a shot at a life better than they
have had in this country. Their children aren't competing against
Hair Stylists from India. They are competing with out of touch upper
class patronizing powerful people like Mr. Krishna, and their
insulated children with cushy jobs and comfortable homes, social and
financial security, and other "privileges", and they are not likely to
come back to India and look stupid applying for an Indian job with a
Hair Styling degree! They don't CARE about India, because India
doesn't care about them. Get it?

Mr. Krishna, it is not even your job to tell people what country they
should choose to go to, on what pretext. No matter who goes where, it
is YOUR job to take care of them through whatever diplomatic channels
are open to you. That's why your ministry is called Ministry of
External AFFAIRS! It is true, even though it may be unfair - even if
you're not fit for your job it is still your responsibility. It is
NOT your responsibility or indeed any of your business to tell them
what to study and what jobs to look for.

No hair stylist from India has turned terrorist, but an IITian with an
"encouraging" education is in jail for threatening the President of
another country. One child from a lineage of indentured labourers has
even gone on to become the President of a country. His name is Cheddi
Jagan. Please, Mr. Krishna, stop embarrassing us and try to be a
professional. Educate yourself. You won't get beaten or stabbed
while trying to get a job qualification.

- An Indian citizen.